Love, oh Love

    My last relationship ruined me. We got together middle of last year and went on for about ten months. We were long distance. Thing is, I had never been with anyone before, never kissed anyone, never held hands with anyone, this guy was my first everything (well almost everything). 

    Why did it ruin me? We saw each other twice during that time, and every time we had to go our separate ways I felt this new ache. Of course, having nothing to compare it to I didn't know how to deal with everything. Being so far from someone I loved killed me. Looking back, I honestly don't know how I did it. I remember that feeling of frustration, not being about to have that physical affection, and I guess I just lived with that? 

    Okay, truthfully? Sometimes it felt like he didn't feel what I felt, that need of th other person. Even though he reassured me multiple times, and told me that he missed me too, it still felt like I was the only one burdened with that ache. Maybe being in a long distance relationship as my first was just too much for me. I had to experience all those things for the first time, and then was left to figure out how they made me feel on my own, it was difficult. 

    Honestly, I still don't fully know how all that made me feel, half the time I was making it up all the way, trying to figure out how the hell to be in a relationship with someone, and being almost 2000 km from them made it ten times harder. 

And now I'm single again, which feels so uncanny. It's like, all those things I wanted to experience so badly before my first relationship, I want them so much more now, not because I never had them, but because I miss them, and that makes it infinitely harder. I know what I'm missing, and God knows how long it'll be before I can trust someone like that again. If I could, I would skip the weird getting to know each other part, I'd skip straight to the good part, somewhere in the middle, when I can be myself around the other person, and not overthink everything that I say.

    That being said, I will now overthink all this a little more, because my mind is never at peace, especially at night, especially when I have certain people on my mind.

Love,

- J