Relationships....

     I don't know how to be wanted, or loved, or anything including relationships. I didn't have my first kiss until 19, didn't know how to even talk to guys until, well, it's still not easy. Funny thing is, I'm bisexual, I have twice the amount of opportunities to get everything over with, and yet somehow, here I am, spending the summer at home, with a group of friends who are equally introverted, so no nightclubs, no late night walks, nothin, nada, zilch. But of course, I'm not blaming my friends, I would never, I'm blaming whatever made me like this.

I have had a brother my whole life, so technically, as logic would suggest, I shouldn't have any problems when interacting with the opposite gender, and yet I still don't know what to say to them half the time, "oh seen the game lately?" what game? I don't even watch any games? I need sitcoms to start providing real examples. Oh and forget spontaneous dates with people from tinder, have you heard the stories? yeah now way, if I'm to die, it's not going to be by a man. Not to mention, that almost all my photos there are from the shoulders up, if they see me and decide I'm too fat or some stupid shit like that, I don't need that kind of negative energy in my life. 

    But here's the thing, I'm tired, I don't know how much longer I can wait until someone fulfils my needs. Cause I'm just not doing it for myself anymore, like slay, I love me, but me needs someone else. So where do I start? Where do I go? Do I actually start going out on these dates until one sticks? Cause that just seems tiresome, and I think I'm a little late for the whole "falling for my boy best friend" thing, also I don't have a boy best friend so that's out. 

    What if none of these men understand how fulfilling it is to lay on your floor and blast emotional music just so you can pretend you're in a movie, I can't be with someone who doesn't get that.  And that's another thing, getting comfortable around someone, do you know how long that takes? I was afraid to call my first boyfriend until about two months in. I'm not the type to make myself at home, I will sit uncomfortably on your couch and politely ask for that glass of water because no way am I doing something that might make things awkward.

    I shall now ponder this some more while listening to Vodka Cranberry cause that is a great song. Thank you and goodnight.

Love,

- J