Love, J

      I don't know how to be wanted, or loved, or anything including relationships. I didn't have my first kiss until 19, didn't know how to even talk to guys until, well, it's still not easy. Funny thing is, I'm bisexual, I have twice the amount of opportunities to get everything over with, and yet somehow, here I am, spending the summer at home, with a group of friends who are equally introverted, so no nightclubs, no late night walks, nothin, nada, zilch. But of course, I'm not blaming my friends, I would never, I'm blaming whatever made me like this. I have had a brother my whole life, so technically, as logic would suggest, I shouldn't have any problems when interacting with the opposite gender, and yet I still don't know what to say to them half the time, "oh seen the game lately?" what game? I don't even watch any games? I need sitcoms to start providing real examples. Oh and forget spontaneous dates with people from tinder, have...

      I'm not a baker, I never will be, in fact, with the way I run a kitchen, I don't think anyone would let into theirs, especially not in the context of a job. That being said, I think I've baked enough cakes and pastries to at least partially qualify.      I'm not sure when it started but for the last few years I've been making birthday cakes for my immediate family and myself, and somehow I've never poisoned anyone, I should really send a complaint to my arsenic dealer. Either way, it's been pretty successful, I take requests, I find a recipe, I make the cake, with one exception.      For as long as I remember my mother has always wanted the same type of birthday cake - a pavlova. Now, technically it's not a cake, it's a meringue-based dessert, but technically I don't care. Honestly, I respect my mother for that, all she wants is a giant sugary cloud with a delicious mascarpone cream and a shit ton of fruit (all neatly arranged by your t...

      From a young age we're taught to be kind, to share, to not taunt other kids. We also learn how to formulate questions, in fact, even babies ask questions by raising the intonation of their voice at the end of a word or sentence. Basic grammatical structures. Hell, I'm studying English, I we have like three courses that include grammar and learning how to structure question sentences is an integral part of life, of our studies. So, tell me, why on earth do my parents suddenly forget this simple grammatical structure every time they need me for something.          I noticed something, something that has been cause anger in me, even if I'm in a good mood. For the past few days, whenever my parents needed me to do something, clean the kitchen, collect laundry, they demand it. They don't question, no "could you do this?", no waiting for my answer, they just demand.     And here's the thing that frustrates me the most, I'm totally okay w...

     My last relationship ruined me. We got together middle of last year and went on for about ten months. We were long distance. Thing is, I had never been with anyone before, never kissed anyone, never held hands with anyone, this guy was my first everything (well almost everything).       Why did it ruin me? We saw each other twice during that time, and every time we had to go our separate ways I felt this new ache. Of course, having nothing to compare it to I didn't know how to deal with everything. Being so far from someone I loved killed me. Looking back, I honestly don't know how I did it. I remember that feeling of frustration, not being about to have that physical affection, and I guess I just lived with that?      Okay, truthfully? Sometimes it felt like he didn't feel what I felt, that need of th other person. Even though he reassured me multiple times, and told me that he missed me too, it still felt like I was the only one b...

      So, I just finished watching a show I've been recently obsessing over - The Marvellous Mrs Maisel. The ending was so bittersweet, I always cry at the end of each show I watch but this one just hit different. I'm also a sucker any show set or made in the 50s/60s, mostly because of the fashion, which this show had a lot of. I have so much to say about it, so much emotion that I need to express, and yet, I'm speechless.     The creator of this show holds a special place in my heart - Amy Sherman-Palladino - a fucking genius. She was also responsible for Gilmore Girls - another show I absolutely love, one I probably couldn't live without. So calling this woman a genius necessity. Not to mention, that one of the episodes of Mrs Maisel has multiple actors from Gilmore Girls, which made me literally jump out of my seat and immediately tell mother who also loves Gilmore Girls. Crossovers like that are what made me love this show even more (even though its what dur...

       I'm turning over a new stone, or maybe a new rock, maybe not really a new one, rather the one I've been living under with my never ending cycle of playing sims and watching all the avengers movies in order of the plot lines ( https://editorial.rottentomatoes.com/guide/marvel-movies-in-order ). I require some productivity, and I'm not sure why I didn't require it before. Sure, I just finished my first year of uni, and everyone I know has been pressuring me to get my drivers license, and of course there's the case of my multiple health issues (a little, majorly painful case of carpel tunnel being the latest) but I'm sure none of those things have anything to do with me wanting to hide away from the world in my bed.     So I'm saying all this as proof, if I don't do what I'm supposed to do, I want to be held accountable, lock me in a courtroom and give me life sentence after life sentence. Although let's be real, I'll still finish that li...